Environment

Guiding and caretaking provide support on the level of environment in which change takes or is to take place. Guiding is directing a person from where s/he is to where s/he wants to be. Hence guiding presupposes that the guide has been there and knows the best way or at least a way to the desired state. Caretaking or being a custodian means providing a safe supportive environment by attending to the external context.  Caretaking also ensures that what’s necessary is available and there’re no unnecessary interferences or distractions.

Behaviour

Coaching is helping a person to perform at the peak of his/her abilities. Personal coaching methods are derived from sports training. They promote awareness of resources and abilities and develop conscious competence. The methods in coaching draw out a person’s strengths due to careful observation and feedback. They also enable the person to function as part of a team. An effective coach observes a person’s behaviour and gives tips and guidance on how to improve in specific contexts and situations. Coaching therefore emphasizes generative change and concentrates on defining and achieving specific goals.

Capabilities

Teaching helps a person to develop cognitive skills and capabilities. The goal of teaching is generally to help people to increase competencies and thinking skills relevant to an area of learning.  Teaching focuses on acquiring general cognitive abilities rather than on particular performances in specific situations. Teaching helps a person to develop strategies for thinking and acting. The emphasis of teaching is more on new learning than on refining previous performance.

Beliefs and values

Mentoring is guiding a person to discover his/her competencies and overcome internal resistances and interferences. A mentor  believes in the person and validates his/her positive intentions. A mentor helps to positively shape or influence a person’s beliefs and values by resonating with, releasing, or unveiling the person’s wisdom often through the mentor’s example. The person often internalizes mentoring, hence the external presence of a mentor will not be necessary forever. People can carry inner mentors for many situations.

Identity

Sponsoring is recognising and acknowledging the essence or identity of a person or group. Sponsoring involves seeking and safeguarding potential within others, focusing on the development of identity and core values. Effective sponsoring results from commitment to the promotion of something within a person or group which is not being manifested to full capacity.  Sponsoring accomplishes this by constantly sending messages such as “I see you. You’re valuable. You’re important/special/unique. And you’re welcome. You belong here. You have something to contribute.”.  A good sponsor creates a context in which others can act, grow, and excel. Sponsors provide the conditions, contacts, and resources that allow the sponsored person or group to focus on, develop, and use their abilities and skills.

Beyond identity – the grand scheme of things

Awakening goes beyond coaching, teaching, mentoring, and sponsoring. It includes the realm of mission, vision, and spirit. An awakener supports a person by providing contexts and experiences which bring out the best in how the person understands love, self, and spirit. An awakener awakens through his/her integrity and congruence. Awakeners also put people in touch with their missions and visions by being in full contact with their missions and visions.

Coaching and the differences

I’m a coach, but have been a teacher, mentor, sponsor, and awakener. A good coach will be flexible to switch to the role that is most called for at the right time. If you have been looking for a coach who has the flexibility to guide you through what you need to learn, teach you to learn it, mentor and sponsor you on the way to awakening, let’s have a conversation.

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Albeit January 1 has become the most classic landmark of new beginnings, I see tremendous irony in this date. And no surprise about why most people’s new year’s resolutions pass out of their lives as quickly as January itself.  The reasons for this are simple, logical, and commonsense:

Firstly, while January 1 celebrates new beginnings, the reality in most people’s lives is more of blues.  Lack of light – the northern hemisphere being in the darkest part of the year, no money after the festivities, and the  holiday blues are all hardly motivating for the weaker-willed characters [in which the world prevails]. Albeit the society conditions us to toast to new beginnings, many people feel unwilling to let go of the old comforts and charge ahead with the new.  Their resolutions to start something new are more symbolic of what should be than of what is.

But a start on new year’s resolutions a month later is a different story. 

As the daylight increases by roughly 15 minutes a week, the longer daylight becomes noticeable.  If a ninetofiver walks out of work at 5:30, s/he will still see daylight.  Daylight brings natural energy into our bodies.  We feel more alive, the pull of the outdoors. We want to be outside more. So we open the windows, let in air, take deep breaths, and look forward to the spring. Isn’t this a much more motivating environment for starting something new?

I said at the beginning of this article that I was describing the situation of most people.  Most doesn’t equal all.  I am a person to whom weather, darkness, nor holiday blues don’t present blocks to getting what I want. But this is an advanced state of being. The majority of the world’s population never reaches it.

So I wrote this article for folks who need a little help to embark on their dreams.  A well-meaning friend or family member’s good word often doesn’t have the right effect due to the interpersonal dynamics and motivation mix not being absolutely right. So a different angle – and one that most people would never make a connection to – should do the trick!  Not for nothing is February the month of purification!

If you need even more help with spending the rest of your time on this planet at your full potential, I’m here to guide you to living on The Leading Edge of Life.  Let’s start a conversation.

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Only one factor

NLP doesn’t work because many people use NLP to attack only one factor of a system that makes something in their lives not work. We are systems. We live in systems. And we create systems of beliefs, strategies, thinking, actions. Everything is connected. If you use NLP for tackling only one element of a system and leave all other elements intact, there’s absolutely no wonder that NLP won’t work. Many NLP techniques even include a step that checks the ecology of a new solution or strategy. Many people don’t use this ecology check. Not using it results in NLP not working.

NLP doesn’t work if people use it to attack only one element of a system. This is just like becoming slimmer doesn’t work if a person only exercises, but doesn’t eat the right things in the right quantities at the right times and sleep enough. Luckily NLP won’t do any harm while exercising might aggravate the joints and doshas in such case. But the person’s generalisation that NLP doesn’t work will do harm. It will do harm to all the diligent NLP people who make NLP work in millions of lives. And it will do even more harm to the generalising persons, because a generalization is impoverished by the nature of being a generalization.

People take the claim that NLP doesn’t work on the face value

Saying that NLP doesn’t work is also a generalisation. And generalisations are easy for listeners to take on the face value. When a listener hears someone say that NLP doesn’t work, the listener can fixate in his mind that NLP doesn’t work, because the listener highly likely won’t look beneath the surface of the speaker’s statement. And also because the word of mouth can be very influential. The listener hears only the tip of the iceberg of the speaker’s experience. If the listener doesn’t drill into the iceberg, he will never know what led the speaker to saying that NLP doesn’t work.  Everything gets more and more superficial in today’s society, thus I doubt that many listeners will drill into the speaker’s iceberg. They’ll just be influenced by the word of mouth that NLP doesn’t work and carry on living. What a pity!

If you believe it, you will achieve it

NLP doesn’t work also because a person may believe that NLP doesn’t work. S/he may have tried or heard that NLP doesn’t work. Hence s/he may have formed the belief that NLP doesn’t work. Even if you prove to such person that NLP does work, s/he will still believe – and spread the word – that NLP doesn’t work unless s/he changes the belief that NLP could or even did indeed work for him/her. Beliefs are again systems, so you’ll highly likely get the idea. If not, read the first paragraph again.  That should give you the idea.

People claim that NLP doesn’t work because they don’t give change enough time

If you give yourself 2 weeks and expect to be slimmer by 10cm, I doubt that you will. Time also matters. If you give yourself 2 months and strictly adhere to all other factors of slimming, the chance that you will be slimmer by 10cm is far higher. The point is that time matters. Yes, NLP can create many a change overnight – if we want it enough and apply it immediately. Then NLP does work, right?:) But people who claim that NLP doesn’t work most often refer to changes that require longer than overnight. But exactly these people are too impatient to give themselves – and NLP – time to work. This article may also interest you. It is directly connected to what I said in this paragraph.

Finally, whether NLP works also depends on the intelligence and skill of the practitioner who helps you. If NLP hasn’t worked for you so far and after reading this you feel the pull to give it another chance, let’s talk.

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After breaking these circles…

What leads to the point of us breaking vicious circles has been written about countlessly.  But what happens after that point has not been written about, so I’ll break that circle. I’ll do so with an easy example.  Imagine that you’ll go to exercise today for the first or after a long time. Perhaps you’ve been ill or away, and now want to resume regular exercise.  So you go and exercise.  And it feels terribly! It feels such hard work! All your fat pockets are aching the ache of inactivity. You feel heavy and cumbersome. Everything hurts! You seem to be sweating more or getting out of breath much more quickly. And perhaps you hate yourself for being in such terrible state.

But you persevere and exercise to the end, because you know that you’ll feel and sleep better tonight. And when you go again tomorrow, it will be a little easier.  It will indeed be easier tomorrow, because our bodies respond amazingly quickly. Plus feeling better today is motivating for you to go tomorrow.  And of course, telling yourself tonight that you’ve started and will continue tomorrow sounds far more acceptable.

Practise breaking vicious circles with or without NLP

The key to your success and pleasure of riding the virtuous circles is in practising breaking the vicious circles again and again as the opportunities to do so come in life. Your ultimate and lifelong goal is to make the breaking an effortless transition.  It is a fact that you’ll be ill or away and unable to exercise for longer periods of time in future. Thus you’ll go through the process of transition to resuming regular exercise again. You’ll feel the ache of inactivity, more sweat, breathing, and effort again on the first day. But the key to your long-term success and pleasure of enjoying the virtuous circles is to take the attitude that getting through this first – hardest – day is no big deal.  Tomorrow will be better.

And the third day will feel stellar…. And just imagine how stellarly you’ll feel in 2 weeks later!  Wow!  Practice makes you perfect at what you practise. So the more you practise breaking vicious circles, the faster and with less effort you’ll get into virtuous ones. The attraction of the pleasure of the virtuous ones will get stronger, because you’ll be getting more of the pleasure. And as the years will pass, the virtuous circles will ultimately become the norm, which is exactly where you want to be.

Need help, support, inspiration for getting into a virtuous circle in another aspect of your life? Let’s talk.

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Learning can be addictive

just like many other things. And yes, there are addicts to learning in this world. Those people sign up for every seminar, course, training that catches their attention. They’re propelled by the excitement of the promise that this course / seminar / training will make them better. But they don’t realise that while they’re course hopping they shift the focus from the path of their core expertise. And they’re constantly out of pocket while filling the pockets of the organizers of the courses. Professionals in many fields hold courses and seminars because courses and seminars are a good earner. One venue, equipment, team of hosts, and marketing mechanism to hold a course can pay for itself a million times at once. The higher the number of attendees, the higher the profit.

Too much training is not good for you

If you tend to generalise, I’m not saying that going to courses, seminars, and trainings is bad.  I am saying that going to too many is bad – for your pocket and focus.  Too many courses that teach different ways to kill the same bird will dilute your focus and pull you in too many directions.  Spreading yourself too thinly will make you a jack of all trades, but a master of none.  And while you’re sitting on all those courses and seminars you’re not helping your clients and learning valuable lessons in the process.

Another reason why too much training isn’t good for you is that the brain can only hold so much information.  If we don’t use it, we lose it.  As we constantly learn new approaches to the same thing, we inevitably lose the knowledge we have, because we can’t learn new and revise the old at once.  If we don’t revise the old, we don’t solidify it in the memory and it will disappear. So in the final analysis we’ll always only hold a certain amount in our brains no matter how much training we go through.

Get the training you need, but not too much

If you’re starting in any professional field, you may be at a quandary about what path to take. What to specialise in and focus on.  Full of enthusiasm you may feel lured by offers of courses, seminars, and trainings and be confused about what to take even before you get addicted to training… You will do yourself best service if you decide – and write down – what you want to focus on, specialise in, what skills you need to learn, and what skills you can put on the horizon of possibilities. Then pick training that will give you the skills essential for your specialisation. When you’ve done all the training and gained plenty of practical experience, you’ll be better informed about what else you need to learn and what you want to learn for additional inspiration.

And one more thing: since we can only one thing at a time, undertraining and overimplementing what we learnt is much better than overtraining and underimplementing which is so often the case! Would you like some advice or opinion?  Let’s talk about it.

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Start something new

I described one answer in this article. Here I’ll describe another answer.  And I’ll describe it on an example from health to which hopefully everyone who looks after their health will easily relate.  Let’s assume that you decided to get slimmer.  You started eating correctly, exercising, sleeping enough, and marking your accomplishments in a calendar. Visually marking your progress would motivate and give you a way to measure progress.  Perhaps you made a tick for each thing per day. You went well for a few days, and even started liking all the uninterrupted ticks in the calendar. And you started to notice the effects of the progress. So you went ticking successfully for a few more days…. which became weeks… And you started feeling a surge of energy, lighter on the feet, smaller in the body, slimmer in the mirror….

…and then came a point when you thought ‘I’ve been doing way too well, so I can afford a treat. You stopped the climb, and perhaps slipped into some of the old things that you did before you started getting slimmer.

Why the new feels strange

And this is where we’re getting to the answer.  The feeling of doing way too well for ourselves takes us out of the comfort zone. And that is never comfortable for us human beings.  So reverting to the old ways touches base with the comfort zone.  The familiar is comfortable. Outside the comfort zone we doubt: ‘this can’t be true, I can’t be doing this well’, and we don’t recognise ourselves… ‘Who am I (becoming)?’ we may ask, because we feel that this is not us!

Make the new the norm

The NLP way to shift us to a higher ground is to make the state of doing way too well the norm. To make it the norm is to practise it until it becomes the norm. Practising = pretending that the state of doing way too well is the norm. Once we’ve accepted to pretend that this state is the norm, we’ll feel more comfortably in doing “too well”. Hence we will easily sustain it for longer.  After even a few days the feeling that we’re doing way too well will fade, because we’ve been practising perceiving it as the norm.

Of course, we should treat ourselves, but perhaps differently or more healthily than we did in the old ways. And immediately after the treating we should go back to pretending that what was doing way too well days ago is now the norm.  A week will pass and the ticks in the calendar will accumulate. You’ll like the ticks, yourself for winning over yourself, and your surge of energy even more. So you will manage another few days …. which will pass into weeks…. And after a month you’ll be well set on the new plain. Some say that it takes 28 days to build a habit…

…and keep the new norm

After 2 more months, if you persist, the ‘new’ plain will become the norm and your body will even ask for this norm.  Your old ways of “treating” yourself will become uncomfortable and foreign to you and that will be a reliable test that your ‘new’ norm is now firmly in place.  The rewards will be immense, whether they be in slimming or whatever else in any aspect of life.

So you see that NLP is very useful for dealing with self-sabotage

If you’ve been a victim of self-sabotage and really want to shift yourself to a higher ground but need (NLP) help, let’s talk.

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For three reasons. 

The first reason is

that the use it or lose it principle applies here like everywhere else in life.  The coaching process is like the process of getting physically fit. If you exercise twice a week, you’ll start feeling better even after the first two workouts.  With regularity – i.e. momentum – your muscles will start toning and your endorphins will certainly go up. That will make you feel better, therefore you’ll want to exercise more. When you start skipping workouts soon after starting, the muscles will quickly get weaker.

The life coaching process is a mental workout. It will make you fit in every other aspect of life – knowing thyself, thy goals, values, purpose, vision, mission… everything. If you break the regularity of physical workout after the first few sessions, your body won’t have the time and chance to get the positive effects.  The same applies to the life coaching process.

The second reason is

training yourself to be disciplined.  Discipline is vital for success in every aspect of life. If we want to look and feel great, we must discipline ourselves to eat correctly, exercise appropriately and regularly, and sleep enough. Likewise if we want to have money, we must discipline ourselves to earn and save it.  If we want to have pretty bodies, we must discipline ourselves to regularly exercise them. Hence if we want to increase our quality, we must discipline ourselves to work through the coaching process.

The coaching process also holds us accountable for putting effort into it to get the maximum out of it.  Assignments, goal charts, inquiries are all good examples and can only help us grow if we have a clearly set time frame to fulfill the accountabilities.  A clear time frame carries a sense of urgency. Urgency gets us moving. If you know that you have a week to complete an assignment, you’ll complete it in the week.  If you know that you have no time limit, you’ll complete it never.

The third reason is

that momentum in life coaching will also keep you motivated, because you’ll see more good results.  If you break the momentum, you’ll break the motivation, progress, and results. A knot on a thread keeps the thread together, but will never make the thread as strong as it had been before it was broken and tied with the knot.

Now you know why keeping the momentum of life coaching is important, so…

Finally, if you have been looking for life coaching and this article or something else on this site convinced you, let’s have a conversation.

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The first stage – when coaching just begins to add value

Some say that it takes 28 days to build a habit.  I gladly endorse this principle with the caveat that the figure of 28 is a healthy average. Depending on the strength of their commitment and motivation to build the habit, some people will build it in shorter, others in longer time. But as an average guideline I agree with it. 28 days = 4 weeks.

The second stage – when you’re consciously competent

Once the habit has been built, it takes another 6 weeks to automate it in our lives. If a person is committed and motivated enough to finish building a habit, the higher stage is to automate it so that s/he can reap its benefits. Otherwise what would be the point in building the habit?  So these two stages make already 10 weeks = 2 and a half months. Time flies.

The third stage – when you’re unconsciously competent

And then comes the best for last – the most enjoyable stage.  This stage consists of living your new habit so automatically that it becomes part of your bloodstream. You don’t have to spend any more energy on automating it. You know that you can trust yourself to keep practicing the habit. The habit now bears the true meaning of the word. Since you no longer concentrate on automating the habit nor worry whether you can trust yourself to keep it up, you’ll begin to notice the compounding positive effect of the primary and indirect benefits of the habit in other aspects of life because everything is connected. These new – sometimes subtle but all the more powerful – connections will open new horizons. And that’s exactly where you’ll start feeling the real value of the coaching process.  This stage lasts 4-6 weeks = another month [and a half].

If we add up the span of these three stages…

we’ll get a month + a month and a half + a month (and a half), which makes 3 and a half to 4 months! As one of very few coaches out there I openly state my fees for coaching for 4 months.  My coaching fees may intimidate at a glance, because the figures for 4 months inevitably look high. But I did say at a glance for a reason.  The reason is that most consumers living in today’s world evaluate superficially. They look at the money before the value and return on their investment.

Coaching has more value over the long term

I wrote this article to help potential coaching clients to realise that it is impossible to put a concrete figure on the value of coaching. That figure would far exceed the figures you see on my fees page.  If you’re a coach or another professional in the field of personal development, especially one who has been offering the  coaching packages of 4-6 weeks before coming across this article, I expect that you’ll see sense and credibility in my argument, ignore all copyright, and jump on the bandwagon.  My work, website, and this blog is not for coaches and professionals in personal development. It is for members of the general public outside the field who need and look for coaching.

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How relapses happen

If you have started a new way of doing something or are building a new habit, you’ll know relapses well.  Whether you’re ‘on a diet’, abstaining from alcohol, or whatever else, there will inevitably come a day when you will  sabotage yourself and relapse. You’ll eat something you exclude from the ‘diet’. Or drink something alcoholic, etc. And you’ll have an excuse for the relapse – or not.  You’ll enjoy the relapse and may later start hating yourself for having relapsed.  If you visually record your progress with the new ways of doing things, now you’ll have to record the relapse. And you know well that the relapse will look like a sore thumb among the days without relapsing!

Some people will not feel annoyed with themselves for having relapsed. Others will.  If you are one of the people who will, you’ll start asking yourself why oh why you had to sabotage yourself.  You may criticize yourself, call yourself a fool, and will finally realize that if you put up just a little discipline, you could easily have avoided the relapse…

Why relapses happen

But could you?  Or do relapses have a message?  One NLP way of looking at relapses is that relapses are a part of our progress and learning new ways of doing things. They are support pillars of motivation for building new habits. Many people find pleasure harder to handle than pain. Thus relapses happen just when the pleasure of having been doing so well begins to be too much to handle, too good to be true, too surprising / good / impossible to believe.

Relapses set us back a step to tone down the burden of the pleasure of doing way too well for ourselves. Relapses remind us of the old track from which we came – the beginning of a new way of doing something.  And hating ourselves for having relapsed is an inevitable metaphor for looking back and realizing that despite the one relapse among so many days of doing well we’re still doing well!

We need relapses to happen

And we will do even better, because relapses kick up our motivation.  Our motivation between relapses goes in the opposite cyclical pattern to the pleasure of doing well.  While the pleasure is the weakest right after the relapse, the motivation to do well again without relapsing is the strongest right after the relapse. The longer we do well, the weaker the motivation to keep it up becomes. Hence the stronger the desire to relapse, the greater the pleasure of relapsing. Motivation is the weakest before the relapse while the pleasure is the strongest before the relapse. The relapse has made us review our progress and see that we have been doing well, thus the relapse kicks up our motivation and the cycle repeats itself – perhaps with longer periods between relapses.

Welcome and use relapses to your benefit on your stairway to heaven

If you have very high standards, are highly critical of yourself, or a chronic perfectionist, think of this article the next time you relapse. You’ll even thank your ‘sabotage’ for giving you a landing on the long spiral staircase to your new heaven.  Going up is more physically demanding than going down. And the landing is a place where you can take a breath, look down, and see how far up you have come.

And use NLP for relapses when they happen!

NLP coaching is just like the landing.  I’ll gladly meet you on the landing if you need a supporting hand. Just let me know.

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The benefits of teaching NLP at schools

Firstly, since NLP studies and models human excellence, achievement, success, and the differences that make the differences between the excellent and the rest, the purpose of NLP is pretty good in itself.  If on one hand we talk about and grapple with societal problems with marginalized communities, delinquency, crime, the widening gap between the rich and the poor, and diminishing [or no] respect for the roles of the police, courts, authorities, and prisons, but on the other hand leave the benefits of teaching NLP in schools from young age on the table, isn’t that a great contradiction and waste?

So what would be the benefits of teaching NLP in schools?

NLP would teach people to communicate clearly from an early age.

As it is with learning a foreign language or a musical instrument, so it is with learning NLP to communicate clearly.  The sooner we start, the better we get – if we persist through life.  NLP skills and clear communication would prevent misunderstandings in all relationships.  This would decrease divorce rates and lighten the load for the courts and police [attending to incidents of domestic violence etc.]. That would save money. The quality of police service would also increase, because police officers would have less paperwork.

In professional relationships NLP and clear communication would prevent misunderstandings costly to businesses in time, money, energy, and also reputation.  Lengthy meetings, job interviews, and negotiations that are often ambiguous or vague and don’t produce results would cease to be an issue.  People would be more productive, efficient, and motivated. Staff morale would increase. Everyone would benefit on both sides of the business.

NLP would teach people respect

for their environments, capabilities, differences in what and why they believe and value, and who and how very different we all are.  Respect is important, yet many people don’t seem to have it.  Without respect there’s apathy, violence, destruction, and wars…  Just look at the news! The news that sell best and travel the fastest are bad. Wars over power, money, natural resources causing diplomatic manipulation by certain countries is lack of respect.  Manipulation and respect are mutually exclusive!

Or take wars over religious differences.  Isn’t war an example of no respect for differences?  If I practise religion A, you practise religion B, and I come to you and force you to convert to religion A, do I respect you and your religion?  If children learnt NLP in elementary schools, they would know no other but to exercise respect for others, their environments, behaviors, beliefs, values. And there would be no bullies!

NLP would teach people to observe and question,

rather than take things on the face value and tolerate them against their will – brainwashed.   When we observe, we don’t jump into snap conclusions based on how we interpret a situation, which may have nothing to do with what the situation really is like.  Observing can spur creativity. Photography, sculpture, architecture, and many other visual arts are based solely on observing.  Observation is a great source of learning.

NLP would teach people acceptance

of each other’s cultural, religious, and social differences.  Have I mentioned wanting to convert you to my religion without accepting that your religion might be what you prefer and as good as my religion?  Why would I want to convert you to my way?  Because I’m not willing to accept you as you are. Hence I’m not willing to accept that your opinions, religion, and ways of doing things might be valid, albeit different. Different is not always better nor worse. It’s just different. And can be enriching.

NLP would teach people work ethic

– a phenomenon that many young people in certain countries don’t seem to know.  They don’t know what work ethic is for two reasons.  1. since they live in a world where every material object exists and can be obtained, they don’t have an incentive to work to improve the world, because everything is laid on for them.  Reason 2 is that since survival is easy in the developed world and many parents spoil their children by buying them everything the children dream up, the children have no sense of value of things. Likewise these children have no sense of value of money and what and how long it takes to earn it.  Since NLP teaches respect, acceptance, the differences that make the differences, and modelling success, work ethic would be a natural byproduct if we taught NLP in schools from early age.

Would teaching NLP in schools cost governments and taxpayers? 

Since nothing in life is free, yes, it would.  But the principles “spend money to make money” and “investing in quality is cheaper in the long term” would most certainly apply.  The operational costs of teaching NLP in schools would not have to be high. But they would certainly be money well spent if it were to buy healthier, happier, more respectful, responsible, and productive members of societies.  What’s your opinion?  Tell me it.

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